Thursday, October 15, 2009

So, a lot has been happening since my last letter.
First, I got a job ( yay!) working in a bookstore, my transcript was finally released at a little less than originally expected, and I have started to slowly make some new friends.
Second is slightly less of a yay update; I was recently diagnosed with Insulin Resistance Syndrome. For those who aren't clear on what that is, it basically means my cells don't absorb insulin the way they should, so they tell my body to make more, thus flooding my system with insulin and kicking my functions into overdrive. IRS ( hee, I actually find calling it that funny), is a fore runner to diabetes. But now the surprisingly upbeat flipside; catching it early like this (it usually doesn't kick in till closer to middle age), means I can head diabetes off and prevent myself from developing it. I don't have to test my blood, I do have to stick to a new and at first royal-pain-in-the-patella eating life style of no carbs, sugars, or starches. I say life style as opposed to diet, because this is a permanent change.
Ironically, instead of being upset by this news, I was very blaise about it at first, and now having been faithful to the new changes for over eight weeks I am actually quite thankful for it. My second set of bloodwork came back with my insulin down by 40%, my potassium up (usually you lose potassium), and I have lost ten pounds and I'm still dropping. It's encouraging because I had been working out with a trainer for over a year religiously and while I was gaining muscles, and toning my upper body and calves, I was gaining fat around my middle. Very discouraging, I was beginning to think "they" (the ever elusive they) had lied to me about exercise. Turns out IRS causes you to gain weight around the middle and not be able to lose it no matter how hard you workout, and around half the population has IRS, but only 25% of those that have it, know it!

Just think, finding out about it now probably saved my life later on down the road.
Funny story about it. I had been really faithful for about four weeks to eat right, and then my co-workers had a pizza party for lunch. I had brown bagged in tuna salad (bear in mind that I really despise like tuna salad, but eat it because it's good for me). I could smell that hot pizza and then I could smell my tuna. I tried to eat a bite of my tuna, but could barely swallow it. I thought "oh well, I've been good. One slice won't kill me." Horsefeathers it won't. I felt like I was going to die all afternoon after that. Figured out my body had been numb to how bad carbs had been for me till I went cold-turkey and purged them all from my system. I've been religious about it since then. The cool part is now I don't particularlly crave the carbs. I can take a bite of bread and think no, don't believe I want that.

And finally, third, I keep feeling God's voice almost tangibly. I say feeling his voice because while the words are flowing through my mind, my heart feels like it is being held as gently as you would hold a baby bird.
Everywhere I turn, everything I listen to I seem to hear God speak.
He told me to shut up.
I immediatly thought "what?"
"You heard me. Quit harping on about finding your purpose. I have a purpose for you, and when the timing is right I WILL tell you. You haven't even begun to hit your stride. Remember those trains you used to watch when you were little? Remember how long it took them to gather any kind of momentum, but once they were really rolling there was no stopping them. Give me a little time, you don't need to rush about trying to figure out my plan for you. I will drop it into your lap! What I have begun I will be faithful and just to complete it. I WILL DO IT. ME. Not you. Your job is to retrain your heart to listen for me. Learn to anticipate my presence and revel in it. I am moving around you all the time, but your sense of my glory is weak. When you come to worship me, you don't have to burst into the song immediatly. Take some time, sift about till you find me. I will guide you in what is a fit and pleasing offering of praise. No going through the motions, I am not in that. The more time you spend with me, not just in my scriptures or set prayer time, but continually turning the ear of your heart to hear what I will say, the more you will come to see your identity in me. No more hearing my voice and dismissing it as just your own rambling thoughts. You HEARD ME. Absorb it and put it to use."

So I have been shushing my internal voice to listen and scan for His presence. And He has been speaking and showing me things. One evening as I was trying to fall asleep, I suddenly began to daydream about Pakistan, the christians there, and a mission team there. I saw the pakistani christians and the team fighting againgst a towering spirit of fear and intimidation, and saw him fall and be chased away. The daydream continued all the next day until late evening, when my mom informed me a friend who had gone to Pakistan to minister to the christian ladies, was holded up in her hotel because the Al-Qeida was attacking the city she was in, and she had sent out an email for prayer around the time I first started to daydream. She said they had peace and were not afraid.
Why I was allowed a parallel dream in real time, but was given no distinct faces or urge to pray I don't know. This and the same to much lesser degrees to have been the result of heightening my awareness of the presence.
One thing He has told me was to "lay out plans for things you have no means of achieving at this time without divine intervention. If you wait until I supply the means you won't be ready. Prepare your life to receive what I will give, so none is lost."

I know this, God is far from stale to me now.

Anticipate the Glory,
A Modern Rahab

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